Thursday, December 17, 2015

Alone In The Dark

I have now logged on with my IPod Touch, in bed, in the dark. It's 2:40 am, I've been awake for almost two hours. I woke up getting a migraine so I took some caffeine to stop it. This has been going on three out of four nights for weeks. I'm into serious sleep deprivation. Everything's crumbling.

So I'm listening to a documentary about the Eagles. I remember hearing these songs growing up. It reminds me of being a teenager. I remember being overwhelmed and alone in my confusion. I didn't know how confused I was, or how out of touch with people, because I had never been anything else. It makes me sad that I am old now. I wish I could be young but not lost. I was so lost.

Elise Lalor posted a  article a while ago. Autism spectrum disorder in girls, how it looks different from the outside and isn't diagnosed because the diagnostic criteria is for boys. Then I read an article in the NY Times. It was my biography. Can you have a disease before it's diagnosed? Can you have A disease before it is discovered? Does it matter? Why didn't my mother like me? Why didn't she even know she didn't like me? Not liking your own daughter was such a horrible thing and she could never be that horrible.

Unattached and lost, no anchor, moving all the time.
Now I'm old. Now I can see. I maintain my anchors; ponies, rabbits, dog.
Still lonely and bewildered. I can fake it pretty well. Maintaining my anchors takes all my time.

Breakfast for animals is in an hour. Whiskers knows I'm awake. Four hours sleep. Again. Can't wait til spring.

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